Produced by David Widger









                            THE SATYRICON OF

                            PETRONIUS ARBITER



          Complete and unexpurgated translation by W. C. Firebaugh,

          in which are incorporated the forgeries of Nodot and Marchena,

          and the readings introduced into the text by De Salas.





BRACKET CODE:

     (Forgeries of Nodot)

     [Forgeries of Marchena]

     {Additions of De Salas}

                              DW





VOLUME 5.--AFFAIRS AT CROTONA







CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIFTH.



For a long time affairs at Crotona ran along in this manner and Eumolpus,

flushed with success so far forgot the former state of his fortunes that

he even bragged to his followers that no one could hold out against any

wish of his, and that any member of his suite who committed a crime

in that city would, through the influence of his friends, get off

unpunished.  But, although I daily crammed my bloated carcass to

overflowing with good things, and began more and more to believe that

Fortune had turned away her face from keeping watch upon me, I frequently

meditated, nevertheless, upon my present state and upon its cause.

"Suppose," thought I, "some wily legacy hunter should dispatch an agent

to Africa and catch us in our lie?  Or even suppose the hireling servant,

glutted with prosperity, should tip off his cronies or give the whole

scheme away out of spite?  There would be nothing for it but flight and,

in a fresh state of destitution, a recalling of poverty which had been

driven off.  Gods and goddesses, how ill it fares with those living

outside the law; they are always on the lookout for what is coming to

them!"  (Turning these possibilities over in my mind I left the house, in

a state of black melancholy, hoping to revive my spirits in the fresh

air, but scarcely had I set foot upon the public promenade when a girl,

by no means homely, met me, and, calling me Polyaenos, the name I had

assumed since my metamorphosis, informed me that her mistress desired

leave to speak with me.  "You must be mistaken," I answered, in

confusion, "I am only a servant and a stranger, and am by no means worthy

of such an honor.")









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SIXTH.



("You yourself," she replied, "are the one to whom I was sent but,)

because you are well aware of your good looks, you are proud and sell

your favors instead of giving them. What else can those wavy well-combed

locks mean or that face, rouged and covered with cosmetics, or that

languishing, wanton expression in your eyes?  Why that gait, so precise

that not a footstep deviates from its place, unless you wish to show off

your figure in order to sell your favors?  Look at me, I know nothing

about omens and I don't study the heavens like the astrologers, but I can

read men's intentions in their faces and I know what a flirt is after

when I see him out for a stroll; so if you'll sell us what I want there's

a buyer ready, but if you will do the graceful thing and lend, let us be

under obligations to you for the favor.  And as for your confession that

you are only a common servant, by that you only fan the passion of the

lady who burns for you, for some women will only kindle for canaille and

cannot work up an appetite unless they see some slave or runner with his

clothing girded up: a gladiator arouses one, or a mule-driver all covered

with dust, or some actor posturing in some exhibition on the stage.  My

mistress belongs to this class, she jumps the fourteen rows from the

stage to the gallery and looks for a lover among the gallery gods at the

back." Puffed up with this delightful chatter.  "Come now, confess, won't

you," I queried, "is this lady who loves me yourself?"  The waiting maid

smiled broadly at this blunt speech.  "Don't have such a high opinion of

yourself," said she, "I've never given in to any servant yet; the gods

forbid that I should ever throw my arms around a gallows-bird.  Let the

married women see to that and kiss the marks of the scourge if they like:

I'll sit upon nothing below a knight, even if I am only a servant."  I

could not help marveling, for my part, at such discordant passions, and I

thought it nothing short of a miracle that this servant should possess

the hauteur of the mistress and the mistress the low tastes of the wench!



     Each one will find what suits his taste, one thing is not for all,

     One gathers roses as his share, another thorns enthrall.



After a little more teasing, I requested the maid to conduct her mistress

to a clump of plane trees.  Pleased with this plan, the girl picked up

the skirt of her garment and turned into a laurel grove that bordered the

path.  After a short delay she brought her mistress from her hiding-place

and conducted her to my side; a woman more perfect than any statue.

There are no words with which to describe her form and anything I could

say would fall far short.  Her hair, naturally wavy, flowed completely

over her shoulders; her forehead was low and the roots of her hair were

brushed back from it; her eyebrows, running from the very springs of her

cheeks, almost met at the boundary line between a pair of eyes brighter

than stars shining in a moonless night; her nose was slightly aquiline

and her mouth was such an one as Praxiteles dreamed Diana had.  Her chin,

her neck, her hands, the gleaming whiteness of her feet under a slender

band of gold; she turned Parian marble dull!  Then, for the first time,

Doris' tried lover thought lightly of Doris!



     Oh Jove, what's come to pass that thou, thine armor cast away

     Art mute in heaven; and but an idle tale?

     At such a time the horns should sprout, the raging bull hold sway,

     Or they white hair beneath swan's down conceal

     Here's Dana's self!  But touch that lovely form

     Thy limbs will melt beneath thy passions' storm!









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVENTH.



She was delighted and so be witchingly did she smile that I seemed to see

the full moon showing her face from behind a cloud.  Then, punctuating

her words with her fingers, "Dear boy, if you are not too critical to

enjoy a woman of wealth who has but this year known her first man, I

offer you a sister," said she.  "You have a brother already, I know, for

I didn't disdain to ask, but what is to prevent your adopting a sister,

too?  I will come in on the same footing only deem my kisses worthy of

recognition and caress me at your own pleasure!"  "Rather let me implore

you by your beauty," I replied.  "Do not scorn to admit an alien among

your worshipers: If you permit me to kneel before your shrine you will

find me a true votary and, that you may not think I approach this temple

of love without a gift, I make you a present of my brother!"  "What," she

exclaimed, "would you really sacrifice the only one without whom you

could not live'?  The one upon whose kisses your happiness depends.  Him

whom you love as I would have you love me?"  Such sweetness permeated her

voice as she said this, so entrancing was the sound upon the listening

air that you would have believed the Sirens' harmonies were floating in

the breeze.  I was struck with wonder and dazzled by I know not what

light that shone upon me, brighter than the whole heaven, but I made

bold to inquire the name of my divinity.  "Why, didn't my maid tell you

that I am called Circe?"  she replied.  "But I am not the sun-child nor

has my mother ever stayed the revolving world in its course at her

pleasure; but if the Fates bring us two together I will owe heaven a

favor.  I don't know what it is, but some god's silent purpose is beneath

this.  Circe loves not Polyaenos without some reason; a great torch is

always flaming when these names meet!  Take me in your arms then, if you

will; there's no prying stranger to fear, and your 'brother' is far away

from this spot!"  So saying, Circe clasped me in arms that were softer

than down and drew me to the ground which was covered with colored

flowers.



     With flowers like these did Mother Earth great Ida's summit strew

     When Jupiter, his heart aflame, enjoyed his lawful love;

     There glowed the rose, the flowering rush, the violet's deep blue,

     From out green meadows snow-white lilies laughed.  Then from above,

     This setting summoned Venus to the green and tender sod,

     Bright day smiled kindly on the secret amour of the God.



Side by side upon the grassy plot we lay, exchanging a thousand kisses,

the prelude to more poignant pleasure, (but alas!  My sudden loss of

vigor disappointed Circe!)









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT.



(Infuriated at this affront,) "What's the matter," demanded she; "do my

kisses offend you?  Is my breath fetid from fasting?  Is there any evil

smelling perspiration in my armpits?  Or, if it's nothing of this kind,

are you afraid of Giton?" Under her eyes, I flushed hotly and, if I had

any virility left, I lost it then; my whole body seemed to be inert.  "My

queen," I cried, "do not mock me in my humiliation.  I am bewitched!"

(Circe's anger was far from being appeased by such a trivial excuse;

turning her eyes contemptuously away from me, she looked at her maid,)

"Tell me, Chrysis, and tell me truly, is there anything repulsive about

me?  Anything sluttish?  Have I some natural blemish that disfigures my

beauty?  Don't deceive your mistress!  I don't know what's the matter

with us, but there must be something!"  Then she snatched a mirror from

the silent maid and after scrutinizing all the looks and smiles which

pass between lovers, she shook out her wrinkled earth-stained robe and

flounced off into the temple of Venus (nearby.) And here was I, like a

convicted criminal who had seen some horrible nightmare, asking myself

whether the pleasure out of which I had been cheated was a reality or

only a dream.



               As when, in the sleep-bringing night

               Dreams sport with the wandering eyes,

               And earth, spaded up, yields to light

               Her gold that by day she denies,

               The stealthy hand snatches the spoils;

               The face with cold sweat is suffused

               And Fear grips him tight in her toils

               Lest robbers the secret have used

               And shake out the gold from his breast.

               But, when they depart from his brain,

               These enchantments by which he's obsessed,

               And Truth comes again with her train

               Restoring perspective and pain,

               The phantasm lives to the last,

               The mind dwells with shades of the past.



(The misfortune seemed to me a dream, but I imagined that I must surely

be under a spell of enchantment and, for a long time, I was so devoid of

strength that I could not get to my feet.  But finally my mental

depression began to abate, little by little my strength came back to me,

and I returned home: arrived there, I feigned illness and threw myself

upon my couch.  A little late: Giton, who had heard of my indisposition,

entered the room in some concern.  As I wished to relieve his mind I

informed him that I had merely sought my pallet to take a rest, telling

him much other gossip but not a word about my mishap as I stood in great

fear of his jealousy and, to lull any suspicion which he might entertain,

I drew him to my side and endeavoured to give him some proofs of my love

but all my panting and sweating were in vain.  He jumped up in a rage and

accused my lack of virility and change of heart, declaring that he had

for a long time suspected that I had been expending my vigor and breath

elsewhere.  "No!  No!  Darling," I replied, "my love for you has always

been the same, but reason prevails now over love and wantonness.") "And

for the Socratic continence of your love, I thank you in his name," (he

replied sarcastically,) "Alcibiades was never more spotless when he left

his master's bed!"









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINTH.



"Believe me, 'brother,' when I tell you that I do not know whether I am a

man or not," (I vainly protested;) "I do not feel like one, if I am!

Dead and buried lies that part in which I was once an Achilles!"  (Giton,

seeing that I was completely enervated, and) fearing that it might give

cause for scandal if he were caught in this quiet place with me, tore

himself away and fled into an inner part of the house.  (He had just gone

when) Chrysis entered the room and handed me her mistress's tablets, in

which were written the following words:



     CIRCE TO POLYIENOS-GREETING.



     Were I a wanton, I should complain of my disappointment, but as it

     is I am beholden to your impotence, for by it I dallied the longer

     in the shadow of pleasure.  Still, I would like to know how you are

     and whether you got home upon your own legs, for the doctors say

     that one cannot walk without nerves!  Young man, I advise you to

     beware of paralysis for I never in my life saw a patient in such

     great danger; you're as good as dead, I'm sure!  What if the same

     numbness should attack your hands and knees?  You would have to send

     for the funeral trumpeters!  Still, even if I have been affronted,

     I will not begrudge a prescription to one as sick as you!  Ask Giton

     if you would like to recover.  I am sure you will get back your

     strength if you will sleep without your "brother" for three nights.

     So far as I am concerned, I am not in the least alarmed about

     finding someone to whom I shall be as pleasing as I was to you; my

     mirror and my reputation do not lie.



                                        Farewell (if you can).



"Such things will happen," said Chrysis, when she saw that I had read

through the entire inditement, "and especially in this city, where the

women can lure the moon from the sky!  But we'll find a cure for your

trouble.  Just return a diplomatic answer to my mistress and restore her

self-esteem by frank courtesy for, truth to tell, she has never been

herself from the minute she received that affront."  I gladly followed

the maid's advice and wrote upon the tablets as follows:









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTIETH.



     POLYAENOS TO CIRCE--GREETING.



     Dear lady, I confess that I have often given cause for offense, for

     I am only a man, and a young one, too, but I never committed a

     deadly crime until today!  You have my confession of guilt, I

     deserve any punishment you may see fit to prescribe.  I betrayed a

     trust, I murdered a man, I violated a temple: demand my punishment

     for these crimes.  Should it be your pleasure to slay me I will come

     to you with my sword; if you are content with a flogging I will run

     naked to my mistress; only bear in mind that it was not myself but

     my tools that failed me.  I was a soldier, and ready, but I had no

     arms.  What threw me into such disorder I do not know, perhaps my

     imagination outran my lagging body, by aspiring to too much it is

     likely that I spent my pleasure in delay; I cannot imagine what the

     trouble was.  You bid me beware of paralysis; as if a disease which

     prevented my enjoying you could grow worse!  But my apology amounts

     briefly to this; if you will grant me an opportunity of repairing my

     fault, I will give you satisfaction.

                                             Farewell



After dismissing Chrysis with these fair promises, I paid careful

attention to my body which had so evilly served me and, omitting the

bath, I annointed myself, in moderation, with unguents and placed myself

upon a more strengthening diet such as onions and snail's heads without

condiments, and I also drank more sparingly of wine; then, taking a short

walk before settling down to sleep, I went to bed without Giton.  So

anxious was I to please her that I feared the outcome if my "brother" lay

tickling my side.









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIRST.



Finding myself vigorous in mind and body when I arose next morning, I

went down to the same clump of plane trees, though I dreaded the spot as

one of evil omen, and commenced to wait for Chrysis to lead me on my way.

I took a short stroll and had just seated myself where I had sat the day

before, when she came under the trees, leading a little old woman by the

hand.  "Well, Mr. Squeamish," she chirped, when she had greeted me, "have

you recovered your appetite?"  In the meantime, the old hag:



               A wine-soaked crone with twitching lips



brought out a twisted hank of different colored yarns and put it about my

neck; she then kneaded dust and spittle and, dipping her middle finger

into the mixture, she crossed my forehead with it, in spite of my

protests.



               As long as life remains, there's hope;

               Thou rustic God, oh hear our prayer,

               Great Priapus, I thee invoke,

               Temper our arms to dare!



When she had made an end of this incantation she ordered me to spit three

times, and three times to drop stones into my bosom, each stone she

wrapped up in purple after she had muttered charms over it; then,

directing her hands to my privates, she commenced to try out my virility.

Quicker than thought the nerves responded to the summons, filling the

crone's hand with an enormous erection!  Skipping for joy, "Look,

Chrysis, look," she cried out, "see what a hare I've started, for someone

else to course!"  (This done, the old lady handed me over to Chrysis, who

was greatly delighted at the recovery of her mistress's treasure; she

hastily conducted me straight to the latter, introducing me into a lovely

nook that nature had furnished with everything which could delight the

eye.)



          Shorn of its top, the swaying pine here casts a

          summer shade

          And quivering cypress, and the stately plane

          And berry-laden laurel.  A brook's wimpling waters strayed

          Lashed into foam, but dancing on again

          And rolling pebbles in their chattering flow.

          'Twas Love's own nook,

          As forest nightingale and urban Procne undertook

          To bear true witness; hovering, the gleaming grass above

          And tender violets; wooing with song, their stolen love.



Fanning herself with a branch of flowering myrtle, she lay, stretched out

with her marble neck resting upon a golden cushion.  When she caught

sight of me she blushed faintly; she recalled yesterday's affront, I

suppose.  At her invitation, I sat down by her side, as soon as the

others had gone; whereupon she put the branch of myrtle over my face and

emboldened, as if a wall had been raised between us, "Well, Mr.

Paralytic," she teased, "have you brought all of yourself along today?"

"Why ask me," I replied, "why not try me instead?"  and throwing myself

bodily into her arms, I revelled in her kisses with no witchcraft to stop

me.









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SECOND.



The loveliness of her form drew me to her and summoned me to love.  Our

lips were pressed together in a torrent of smacking kisses, our groping

hands had discovered every trick of excitation, and our bodies, clasped

in a mutual embrace, had fused our souls into one, (and then, in the very

midst of these ravishing preliminaries my nerves again played me false

and I was unable to last until the instant of supreme bliss.) Lashed to

fury by these inexcusable affronts, the lady at last ran to avenge

herself and, calling her house servants, she gave orders for me to be

hoisted upon their shoulders and flogged; then, still unsatisfied with

the drastic punishment she had inflicted upon me, she called all the

spinning women and scrubbing wenches in the house and ordered them to

spit upon me.  I covered my face with my hands but I uttered no complaint

as I well knew what I deserved and, overwhelmed with blows and spittle, I

was driven from the house. Proselenos was kicked out too, Chrysis was

beaten, and all the slaves grumbled among themselves and wondered what

had upset their mistress's good humor.  I took heart after having given

some thought to my misfortunes and, artfully concealing the marks of the

blows for fear that Eumolpus would make merry over my mishaps or, worse

yet, that Giton might be saddened by my disgrace, I did the only thing I

could do to save my self-respect, I pretended that I was sick and went to

bed.  There, I turned the full fury of my resentment against that

recreant which had been the sole cause of all the evil accidents which

had befallen me.



               Three times I grasped the two-edged blade

               The recreant to cut away;

               Three times by Fear my hand was stayed

               And palsied Terror said me nay

               That which I might have done before

               'Twas now impossible to do;

               For, cold with Fear, the wretch withdrew

               Into a thousand-wrinkled mare,

               And shrank in shame before my gaze

               Nor would his head uncover more.

               But though the scamp in terror skulked,

               With words I flayed him as he sulked.



Raising myself upon my elbow I rebuked the shirker in some such terms as

these: "What have you to say for yourself, you disgrace to gods and men,"

I demanded, "for your name must never be mentioned among refined people.

Did I deserve to be lifted up to heaven and then dragged down to hell by

you?  Was it right for you to slander my flourishing and vigorous years

and land me in the shadows and lassitude of decrepit old age?  Give me

some sign, however faint, I beg of you, that you have returned to life!"

I vented my anger in words such as these.



               His eyes were fixed, and with averted look

               He stood, less moved by any word of mine

               Than weeping willows bending o'er a brook

               Or drooping poppies as at noon they pine.



When I had made an end of this invective, so out of keeping with good

taste, I began to do penance for my soliloquy and blushed furtively

because I had so far forgotten my modesty as to invoke in words that part

of my body which men of dignity do not even recognize.  Then, rubbing my

forehead for a long time, "Why have I committed an indiscretion in

relieving my resentment by natural abuse," I mused, "what does it amount

to?  Are we not accustomed to swear at every member of the human body,

the belly, throat, or even the head when it aches, as it often does?  Did

not Ulysses wrangle with his own heart?  Do not the tragedians 'Damn

their eyes' just as if they could hear?



"Gouty patients swear at their feet, rheumatics at their hands,

blear-eyed

people at their eyes, and do not those who often stub their toes blame

their feet for all their pain?



               "Why will our Catos with their frowning brows

               Condemn a work of fresh simplicity'?

               A cheerful kindness my pure speech endows;

               What people do, I write, to my capacity.

               For who knows not the pleasures Venus gives?

               Who will not in a warm bed tease his members?

               Great Epicurus taught a truth that lives;

               Love and enjoy life!  All the rest is embers.



"Nothing can be more insincere than the silly prejudices of mankind, and

nothing sillier than the morality of bigotry,"









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-THIRD.



I called Giton when I had finished my meditation: "Tell me, little

brother," I demanded, "tell me, on your honor: Did Ascyltos stay awake

until he had exacted his will of you, the night he stole you away from

me?  Or was he content to spend the night like a chaste widow?"  Wiping

his eyes the lad, in carefully chosen words took oath that Ascyltos had

used no force against him.  (The truth of the matter is, that I was so

distraught with my own misfortunes that I knew not what I was saying.

"Why recall past memories which can only cause pain," said I to myself.

I then directed all my energies towards the recovery of my lost manhood.

To achieve this I was ready even to devote myself to the gods;

accordingly, I went out to invoke the aid of Priapus.) {Putting as good a

face upon the matter as I could} I knelt upon the threshold of his shrine

and invoked the God in the following verses:



              "Of Bacchus and the nymphs, companion boon,

               Whom fair Dione set o'er forests wide

               As God: whom Lesbos and green Thasos own

               For deity, whom Lydians, far and wide

               Adore through all the seasons of the year;

               Whose temple in his own Hypaepa placed,

               Thou Dryad's joy and Bacchus', hear my prayer!

               To thee I come, by no dark blood disgraced,

               No shrine, in wicked lust have I profaned;

               When I was poor and worn with want, I sinned

               Not by intent, a pauper's sin's not banned

               As of another!  Unto thee I pray

               Lift thou the load from off my tortured mind,

               Forgive a light offense!  When fortune smiles

               I'll not thy glory shun and leave behind

               Thy worship!  Unto thee, a goat that feels

               His primest vigor, father of the flocks

               Shall come!  And suckling pigs, the tender young

               Of some fine grunting sow!  New wine, in crocks

               Shall foam!  Thy grateful praises shall be sung

               By youths who thrice shall dance around thy shrine

               Happy, in youth and full of this year's wine!"



While I was engaged in this diplomatic effort in behalf of the affected

member, a hideous crone with disheveled hair, and clad in black garments

which were in great disorder, entered the shrine and, laying hands upon

me, led me {thoroughly frightened,} out into the portico.









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOURTH.



"What witches" (she cried,) "have devoured your manhood?  What filth did

you tread upon at some crossroads, in the dark?  Not even by the boy

could you do your duty but, weak and effeminate, you are worn out like a

cart-horse at a hill, you have lost both labor and sweat!  Not content

with getting yourself into trouble, you have stirred up the wrath of the

gods against me {and I will make you smart for it."}  She then led me,

unresisting, back into the priestess's room, pushed me down upon the bed,

snatched a cane that hung upon the door, and gave me another thrashing:

I remained silent and, had the cane not splintered at the first stroke,

thereby diminishing the force of the blow, she might easily have broken

my arms or my head.  I groaned dismally, and especially when she

manipulated my member and, shedding a flood of tears, I covered my head

with my right arm and huddled down upon the pillow.  Nor did she weep

less bitterly:



The sailor, naked from his foundered barque,

Some shipwrecked mariner seeks out to hear his woe;

When hail beats down a farmer's crop, his cark

Seeks consolation from another, too.

Death levels caste and sufferers unites,

And weeping parents are as one in grief;

We also will beseech the starry heights,

United prayers climb best, is the belief.



She seated herself upon the other side of the bed and in quavering tones

commenced to accuse the delays of old age.  At last the priestess came

in.  "Why," she cried, "what has brought you into my cell as if you were

visiting a newly made grave?  And on a feast-day, too, when even mourners

ought to smile!"  "OEnothea," the old hag replied, "this young man here

was born under an unlucky star: he can't dispose of his goods to either

boy or girl.  Such an unfortunate fellow you never saw.  He has no tool

at all, only a piece of leather soaked in water!  I wish you would tell

me what you think of a man who could get up from Circe's bed without

having tasted pleasure!"  On hearing these words, OEnothea sat down

between us and, after shaking her head for a while, "I'm the only one

that knows how to cure that disease," said she, "and for fear you think

I'm talking to hear myself talk, I'll just have the young fellow sleep

with me for a night, and if I don't make it as hard as horn!



     All that you see in the world must give heed to my mandates;



     Blossoming earth, when I will it, must languish, a desert.'



     Riches pour forth, when I will it, from crags and grim boulders



     Waters will spurt that will rival the Nile at its flooding



     Seas calm their billows before me, gales silence their howlings,



     Hearing my step!  And the rivers sink into their channels;



     Dragons, Hyrcanian tigers stand fast at my bidding!



     Why should I tell you of small things?  The image of Luna



     Drawn by my spells must descend, and Apollo, atremble



     Backs up his horses and turns from his course at my order!



     Such is the power of my word!  By the rites of a virgin



     Quenched is the raging of bulls; and the sun's daughter Circe



     Changed and transfigured the crew of the wily Ulysses.



     Proteus changes his form when his good pleasure dictates,



     I, who am skilled in these arts, can the shrubs of Mount Ida



     Plant in the ocean; turn rivers to flow up the mountains!"









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIFTH.



At this declaration, which was so awe-inspiring, I shuddered in terror,

and commenced to scrutinize the crone more narrowly.  "Come now," said

OEnothea, "obey my orders," and, carefully wiping her hands, she bent

over the cot and kissed me, once, twice!  On the middle of the altar

OEnothea placed an old table, upon which she heaped live coals, then with

melted pitch she repaired a goblet which had become cracked through age.

Next she replaced, in the smoke-stained wall, a peg which had come out

when she took down the wooden goblet.  Then, having donned a mantle, in

the shape of a piece of square-cut cloth, she set a huge kettle upon the

hearth and at the same time speared with a fork a cloth hanging upon the

meathooks, and lifted it down.  It contained some beans which had been

laid away for future use, and a very small and stale piece of pig's

cheek, scored with a thousand slashes.  When she had untied the string

which fastened the cloth, she poured some of the beans upon the table and

ordered me to shell them quickly and carefully.  I obey her mandate and

with careful fingers separate the beans from the filthy pods which

contain them; but she, accusing my clumsiness, hastily snatched them and,

skillfully tearing off the pods with her teeth, spat them upon the

ground, where they looked like dead flies.  I wondered, then, at the

ingenuity of poverty and its expedients for emergency.  (So ardent a

follower of this virtue did the priestess seem that it was reflected in

everything around her.  Her dwelling, in particular, was a very shrine of

poverty.)



          No Indian ivory set in gold gleamed here,

          No trodden marble glistened here; no earth

          Mocked for its gifts; but Ceres' festive grove:

          With willow wickerwork 'twas set around,

          New cups of clay by revolutions shaped

          Of lowly wheel.  For honey soft, a bowl;

          Platters of green bark wickerwork, a jar

          Stained by the lifeblood of the God of Wine;

          The walls around with chaff and spattered clay

          Were covered.  Flanging from protruding nails

          Were slender stalks of the green rush; and then

          Suspended from the smoky beam, the stores

          Of this poor cottage.  Service berries soft,

          Entwined in fragrant wreaths hung down,

          Dried savory and raisins by the bunch.

          An hostess here like she on Attic soil,

          Of Hecate's pure worship worthy she!

          Whose fame Kallimachos so grandly sang

          'Twill live forever through the speaking years.









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIXTH.



In the meantime, (having shelled the beans,) she took a mouthful of the

meat and with the fork was replacing the pig's cheek, which was coeval

with herself, upon the meat-hook, when the rotten stool, which she was

using to augment her height, broke down under the old lady's weight and

let her fall upon the hearth.  The neck of the pot was broken, putting

out the fire, which was just getting a good start, her elbow was burned

by a flaming brand, and her whole face was covered by the ashes raised by

her fall.  I jumped up in dismay and, not without laughing, helped the

old lady to her feet.  She hastily scurried out into the neighborhood to

replenish the fire, for fear anything should delay the sacrifice.  I was

on my way to the door of the cell when lo! and behold! three sacred geese

which were accustomed, I suppose, to demand their feed from the old woman

at midday, made a rush at me and, surrounding me, made me nervous with

their abominable rabid cackling.  One tore at my tunic, another undid the

lacings of my sandals and tugged at them, but one in particular, the

ringleader and moving spirit of this savage attack, did not hesitate to

worry at my leg with his serrated bill.  Unable to see the joke, I

twisted off one of the legs of the little table and, thus armed, began to

belabor the pugnacious brute.  Nor did I rest content with a light blow,

I avenged myself by the death of the goose.



               'Twas thus, I ween, the birds of Stymphalus

               To heaven fled, by Herakles impelled;

               The Harpies, too, whose reeking pinions held

               That poison which the feast of Phineus

               Contaminated.  All the air above

               With their unwonted lamentations shook,

               The heavens in uproar and confusion move

               {The Stars, in dread, their orbits then forsook!}



By this time the two remaining geese had picked up the beans which had

been scattered all over the floor and bereft, I suppose, of their leader,

had gone back into the temple; and I, well content with my revenge and my

booty, threw the dead goose behind the cot and bathed the trifling wound

in my leg with vinegar: then, fearing a scolding, I made up my mind to

run away and, collecting together all my belongings, started to leave the

house.  I had not yet stepped over the threshold of the cell, however,

when I caught sight of OEnothea returning with an earthen vessel full of

live coals.  Thereupon I retraced my steps and, throwing off my garments,

I took my stand just inside the door, as if I were awaiting her return.

She banked her fire with broken reeds, piled some pieces of wood on top,

and began to excuse her delay on the ground that her friend would not

permit her to leave until after the customary three drinks had been

taken.  "But what were you up to in my absence?"  she demanded.  "Where

are the beans?"  Thinking that I had done a thing worthy of all praise, I

informed her of the battle in all its details and, that she might not be

downcast any longer, I produced the dead goose in payment for her loss.

When the old lady laid eyes upon that, she raised such a clamor that you

would have thought that the geese had invaded the room again.  Confounded

and thunderstruck at the novelty of my crime, I asked her why she was so

angry and why she pitied the goose rather than myself.









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVENTH.



But, beating her palms together, "You villain, are you so brazen that you

can speak?"  she shrieked.  "Don't you know what a serious crime you've

committed?  You have slaughtered the delight of Priapus, a goose, the

very darling of married women!  And for fear you think that nothing

serious has happened, if the magistrates find this out you'll go to the

cross!  Until this day my dwelling has been inviolate and you have

polluted it with blood!  You have conducted yourself in such a manner

that any enemy I have can turn me out of the priesthood!"



     She spoke, and from her trembling head she tore the snow-white hair,

          And scratched her cheeks: her eyes shed floods of tears.

     As when a torrent headlong rushes down the valleys drear,

          Its icy fetters gone when Sprint appears,

     And strikes the frozen shackles from rejuvenated earth

          So down her face the tears in torrents swept

          And wracking sobs convulsed her as she wept.



"Please don't make such a fuss," I said, "I'll give you an ostrich in

place of your goose!"  While she sat upon the cot and, to my

stupefaction, bewailed the death of the goose, Proselenos came in with

the materials for the sacrifice.  Seeing the dead goose and inquiring the

cause of her grief, she herself commenced to weep more violently still

and to commiserate me, as if I had slain my own father, instead of a

public goose.  Growing tired of this nonsense at last, "See here,"

said I, "could I not purchase immunity for a price, even though I had

assaulted you'?  Even though I had murdered a man?  Look here!  I'm

laying down two gold pieces, you can buy both gods and geese with them!"

"Forgive me, young man," said OEnothea, when she caught sight of the

gold, "I am anxious upon your account; that is a proof of love, not of

malignity.  Let us take such precautions that not a soul will find this

out.  As for you, pray to the gods to forgive your sacrilege!"



          The rich man can sail in a favoring gale

             And snap out his course at his pleasure;

          A Dance espouse, no Acrisius will rail,

             His credence by hers he will measure;

          Write verse, or declaim; snap the finger of scorn

             At the world, yet still win all his cases,

          The rabble will drink in his words with concern

             When a Cato austere it displaces.

          At law, his "not proven," or "proved," he can have

             With Servius or Labeo vieing;

          With gold at command anything he may crave

             Is his without asking or sighing.

          The universe bows at his slightest behest,

             For Jove is a prisoner in his treasure chest.



In the meantime, she scurried around and put a jar of wine under my hands

and, when my fingers had all been spread out evenly, she purified them

with leeks and parsley.  Then, muttering incantations, she threw

hazel-nuts into the wine and drew her conclusions as they sank or

floated; but she did not hoodwink me, for those with empty shells, no

kernel and full of air, would of course float, while those that were

heavy and full of sound kernel would sink to the bottom.  {She then

turned her attention to the goose,} and, cutting open the breast, she

drew out a very fat liver from which she foretold my future.  Then, for

fear any trace of the crime should remain, she cut the whole goose up,

stuck the pieces upon spits, and served up a very delectable dinner for

me, whom, but a moment before, she had herself condemned to death, in

her own words!  Meanwhile, cups of unmixed wine went merrily around (and

the crones greedily devoured the goose which they had but so lately

lamented.  When the last morsel had disappeared, OEnothea, half-drunk by

this time, looked at me and said, "We must now go through with the

mysteries, so that you may get back your virility.")









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHTH.



(As she said this OEnothea brought) out a leathern dildo which, when she

had smeared it with oil, ground pepper, and pounded nettle seed, she

commenced to force, little by little, up my anus.  The merciless old

virago then anointed the insides of my thighs with the same decoction;

finally mixing nasturtium juice with elixir of southern wood, she gave my

genitals a bath and, picking up a bunch of green nettles, she commenced

to strike me gently all over my belly below the navel. {The nettles stung

me horribly and I suddenly took to my heels, with the old hags in full

pursuit.}  Although they were befuddled with wine and lust they followed

the right road and chased me through several wards, screaming "Stop

thief."  I made good my escape, however, although every toe was bleeding

as the result of my headlong flight.  (I got home as quickly as I could

and, worn out with fatigue, I sought my couch, but I could not snatch a

wink of sleep for the evil adventures which had befallen me kept running

through my brain and, brooding upon them, I came to the conclusion that

no one could be so abjectly unfortunate.  "Has Fortune, always inimical

to me, stood in need of the pangs of love, that she might torture me more

cruelly still," I cried out; "unhappy wretch that I am!  Fortune and Love

have joined forces to bring about my ruin.  Cruel Eros himself had never

dealt leniently with me, loved or lover I am put to the torture!  Take

the case of Chrysis:  she loves me desperately, never leaves off teasing

me, she who despised me as a servant, because, when she was acting as her

mistress's go-between, I was dressed in the garments of a slave: she, I

say) that same Chrysis, who looked with contempt upon your former lowly

lot, is now bent upon following it up even at the peril of her life; (she

swore that she would never leave my side on the day when she told me of

the violence of her passion: but Circe owns me, heart and soul, all

others I despise.  Who could be lovelier  than  she?)  What  loveliness

had Ariadne or Leda to compare with hers?  What had Helen to compare with

her, what has Venus?  If Paris himself had seen her with her dancing

eyes, when he acted as umpire for the quarreling goddesses, he would have

given up Helen and the goddesses for her!  If I could only steal a kiss,

if only I might put my arms around that divine, that heavenly bosom,

perhaps the virility would come back to this body and the parts, flaccid

from witchcraft would, I believe, come into their own.  Contempt cannot

tire me out: what if I was flogged; I will forget it!  What if I was

thrown out!  I will treat it as a joke!  Only let me be restored to her

good graces!



     At rest on my pallet, night's silence had scarce settled down



     To soothe me, and eyes heavy-laden with slumber to lull



     When torturing Amor laid hold of me, seizing my hair



     And dragging me, wounding me, ordered a vigil till dawn.



     'Oh heart of stone, how canst thou lie here alone?' said the God,



     'Thou joy of a thousand sweet mistresses, how, oh my slave?'



     In disarrayed nightrobe I leap to bare feet and essay



     To follow all paths; but a road can discover by none.



     One moment I hasten; the next it is torture to move,



     It irks me again to turn back, shame forbids me to halt



     And stand in the midst of the road.  Lo! the voices of men,



     The roar of the streets, and the songs of the birds, and the bark



     Of vigilant watch-dogs are hushed!  Alone, I of all



     Society dread both my slumber and couch, and obey



     Great Lord of the Passions, thy mandate which on me was laid."









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINTH.



(Such thoughts as these, of lovely Circe's charms so wrought upon my mind

that) I disordered my bed by embracing the image, as it were, of my

mistress, (but my efforts were all wasted.)  This obstinate (affliction

finally wore out my patience, and I cursed the hostile deity by whom I

was bewitched.  I soon recovered my composure, however, and, deriving

some consolation from thinking of the heroes of old, who had been

persecuted by the anger of the gods, I broke out in these lines:)



     Hostile gods and implacable rate not me alone pursue;



     Herakles once suffered the weight of heaven's displeasure too



     Driven from the Inachian coast: Laomedon of old



     Sated two of the heavenly host: in Pelias, behold



     Juno's power to avenge an affront; and Telephus took arms



     Knowing not he must bear the brunt; Ulysses feared the storms



     Angry Neptune decreed as his due.  Now, me to overwhelm



     Outraged Priapus ever pursues on land and Nereus' realm.



(Tortured by these cares I spent the whole night in anxiety, and at dawn,

Giton, who had found out that I had slept at home, entered the room and

bitterly accused me of leading a licentious life; he said that the whole

household was greatly concerned at what I had been doing, that I was so

rarely present to attend to my duties, and that the intrigue in which I

was engaged would very likely bring about my ruin.  I gathered from this

that he had been well informed as to my affairs, and that someone had

been to the house inquiring for me.  Thereupon,) I began to ply Giton

with questions as to whether anyone had made inquiry for me; "Not today,"

he replied, "but yesterday a woman came in at the door, not bad looking,

either, and after talking to me for quite a while, and wearing me out

with her far-fetched conversation, finally ended by saying that you

deserved punishment, and that you would receive the scourging of a slave

if the injured party pressed his complaint."  (This news afflicted me so

bitterly that I levelled fresh recriminations against Fortune, and) I had

not yet finished grumbling when Chrysis came in and, throwing herself

upon me, embraced me passionately.  "I have you," she cried, "just as I

hoped I would; you are my heart's desire, my joy, you can never put out

this flame of mine unless you quench it in my blood!"  (I was greatly

embarrassed by this wantonness of Chrysis and had recourse to flattery

in order that I might rid myself of her, as I feared that her passionate

outcries would reach the ears of Eumolpus who, in the arrogance of

success, had put on the manner of the master.  So on this account, I did

everything I could think of to calm Chrysis.  I feigned love, whispered

compliments, in short, so skillfully did I dissimulate that she believed

I was Love's own captive.  I showed her what pressing peril overhung us

should she be caught in that room with me, as Eumolpus was only too ready

to punish the slightest offense.  On hearing this, she left me hurriedly,

and all the more quickly, as she caught sight of Giton, who had only left

me a little before she had come in, on his way to my room.  She was

scarcely gone when) one of the newly engaged servants rushed in and

informed me that the master was furiously angry with me because of my two

days' absence from duty; I would do well, therefore, to prepare some

plausible excuse, as it was not likely that his angry passion would be

placated until someone had been flogged.  (Seeing that I was so vexed and

disheartened, Giton said not a word about the woman, contenting himself

with speaking of Eumolpus, and advising me that it would be better to

joke with him than to treat the matter seriously.  I followed this lead

and appeared before the old fellow, with so merry a countenance that,

instead of showing severity, he received me with good humor and rallied

me upon the success of my love affairs, praising the elegance of my

figure which made me such a favorite with the ladies.  "I know very

well," he went on, "that a lovely woman is dying for love of you,

Encolpius, and this may come in handy for us, so play your part and I'll

play mine, too!")









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND FORTIETH.



(He was still speaking, when in came a) matron of the most exclusive

social set, Philumene by name, who had often, when young, extorted many

a legacy by means of her charms, but an old woman now, the flower of her

beauty faded, she threw her son and daughter in the way of childless old

men and through this substitution she contrived to continue her

established policy.  She came to Eumolpus, both to commend her children

to his practical judgment and to entrust herself and her hopes to his

good nature, he being the only one in all the world who could daily

instruct young children in healthy precepts.  In short, she left her

children in Eumolpus' house in order that they might hear the words that

dropped from his lips, as this was the only legacy she could leave to

them.  Nor did she do otherwise than as she had promised, but left in

his bed chamber a very beautiful daughter and her brother, a lad, and

pretended that she herself was compelled to go out to a temple to offer

up her vows.  Eumolpus, who was so continent that even I was a boy in his

eyes, lost no time in inviting the damsel to sacrifice to the Aversa

Venus; but, as he had told everyone that he was gouty and that his back

was weak, and as he stood in danger of upsetting the whole farce if he

did not carefully live up to the pretence, he therefore, that the

imposture might be kept up, prevailed upon the young lady to seat herself

upon that goodness which had been commended to her, and ordered Corax to

crawl under the bed upon which he himself was lying and after bracing

himself by putting his hands upon the floor, to hoist his master up and

down with his own back.  Corax carried out the order in full and

skillfully seconded the wriggling of the girl with a corresponding

seesaw.  Then, when the crisis was about due, Eumolpus, in a ringing

voice, called out to Corax to increase the cadence.  And thus the old

lecher, suspended between his servant and his mistress, enjoyed himself

just as if he were in a swing.  Time and again Eumolpus repeated this

performance, to the accompaniment of ringing laughter in which he himself

joined.  At last, fearing I might lose an opportunity through lack of

application, I also made advances to the brother who was enjoying the

gymnastics of his sister through the keyhole, to see if he would prove

amenable to assault.  Nor did this well trained lad reject my advances;

but alas!  I discovered that the God was still my enemy.  (However, I was

not so blue over this failure as I had been over those before, and my

virility returned a little later and, suddenly finding myself in better

fettle I cried out,) "Great are the gods who have made me whole again!

In his loving kindness, Mercury, who conducts and reconducts the souls,

has restored to me that which a hostile hand had cut away.  Look!  You

will find that I am more graciously endowed than was Protestilaus or any

other of the heroes of old!"  So saying, I lifted up my tunic and showed

Eumolpus that I was whole.  At first he was startled, then, that he might

believe his own eyes, he handled this pledge of the good will of the gods

with both hands.  (Our good humor was revived by this blessing and we

laughed at the diplomacy of Philumene and at the skill with which her

children plied their calling, little likely to profit them much with us,

however, as it was only in hopes of coming into a legacy that she had

abandoned the boy and girl to us.  Meditating upon this unscrupulous

method of getting around childless old men, I began to take thought of

the present state of our own affairs and made use of the occasion to warn

Eumolpus that he might be bitten in biting the biters.  "Everything that

we do," I said, "should be dictated by Prudence.) Socrates, {whose

judgment was riper than that} of the gods or of men used to boast that he

had never looked into a tavern nor believed the evidence of his own eyes

in any crowded assembly which was disorderly: so nothing is more in

keeping than always conversing with wisdom.



     Live coals are more readily held in men's mouths than a secret!



     Whatever you talk of at home will fly forth in an instant,



     Become a swift rumor and beat at the walls of your city.



     Nor is it enough that your confidence thus has been broken,



     As rumor but grows in the telling and strives to embellish.



     The covetous servant who feared to make public his knowledge



     A hole in the ground dug, and therein did whisper his secret



     That told of a king's hidden ears: this the earth straightway

     echoed,



     And rustling reeds added that Midas was king in the story.



Every word of this is true," I insisted, "and no one deserves to get into

trouble more quickly than he who covets the goods of others!  How could

cheats and swindlers live unless they threw purses or little bags

clinking with money into the crowd for bait?  Just as dumb brutes are

enticed by food, human beings are not to be caught unless they have

something in the way of hope at which to nibble!  (That was the reason

that the Crotonians gave us such a satisfactory reception, but) the ship

does not arrive, from Africa, with your money and your slaves, as you

promised.  The patience of the fortune-hunters is worn out and they have

already cut down their liberality so that, either I am mistaken, or else

our usual luck is about to return to punish you!"









CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIRST.



("I have thought up a scheme," replied Eumolpus, "which will embarrass

our fortune-hunting friends sorely," and as he said this, he drew his

tablets from his wallet and read his last wishes aloud, as follows:)

"All who are down for legacies under my will, my freedmen only excepted,

shall come into what I bequeath them subject to this condition, that they

do cut my body into pieces and devour said pieces in sight of the crowd:

{nor need they be inordinately shocked} for among some peoples, the law

ordaining that the dead shall be devoured by their relatives is still in

force; nay, even the sick are often abused because they render their own

flesh worse!  I admonish my friends, by these presents, lest they refuse

what I command, that they devour my carcass with as great relish as they

damned my soul!"  (Eumolpus had just started reading the first clauses

when several of his most intimate friends entered the room and catching

sight of the tablets in his hand in which was contained his last will and

testament, besought him earnestly to permit them to hear the contents.

He consented immediately and read the entire instrument from first to

last.  But when they had heard that extraordinary stipulation by which

they were under the necessity of devouring his carcass, they were greatly

cast down, but) his reputation for enormous wealth dulled the eyes and

brains of the wretches, (and they were such cringing sycophants that they

dared not complain of the outrage in his hearing.  One there was,

nevertheless, named) Gorgias, who was willing to comply, (provided he did

not have too long to wait!  To this, Eumolpus made answer:) "I have no

fear that your stomach will turn, it will obey orders; if, for one hour

of nausea you promise it a plethora of good things: just shut your eyes

and pretend that it's not human guts you've bolted, but ten million

sesterces!  And beside, we will find some condiment which will disguise

the taste!  No flesh is palatable of itself, it must be seasoned by art

and reconciled to the unwilling stomach.  And, if you desire to fortify

the plan by precedents, the Saguntines ate human flesh when besieged by

Hannibal, and they had no legacy in prospect!  In stress of famine, the

inhabitants of Petelia did the same and gained nothing from the diet

except that they were not hungry!  When Numantia was taken by Scipio,

mothers, with the half-eaten bodies of their babes in their bosoms, were

found!  (Therefore, since it is only the thought of eating human flesh

that makes you squeamish, you must try to overcome your aversion, with

all your heart, so that you may come into the immense legacies I have put

you down for!"  So carelessly did Eumolpus reel off these extravagances

that the fortune-hunters began to lose faith in the validity of his

promises and subjected our words and actions to a closer scrutiny

immediately; their suspicions grew with their experience and they came

to the conclusion that we were out and out grafters, and thereupon those

who had been put to the greatest expense for our entertainment resolved

to seize us and take it out in just revenge; but Chrysis, who was privy

to all their scheming, informed me of the designs which the Crotonians

had hatched; and when I heard this news, I was so terrified that I fled

instantly, with Giton, and left Eumolpus to his fate.  I learned, a few

days later, that the Crotonians, furious because the old fox had lived

so long and so sumptuously at the public expense, had put him to death

in the Massilian manner.  That you may comprehend what this means, know

that) whenever the Massilians were ravaged by the plague, one of the poor

would offer himself to be fed for a whole year upon choice food at public

charge; after which, decked out with olive branches and sacred vestments,

he was led out through the entire city, loaded with imprecations so that

he might take to himself the evils from which the city suffered, and then

thrown headlong (from the cliff.)



THE END







ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:



Death levels caste and sufferers unites

Face, rouged and covered with cosmetics

For one hour of nausea you promise it a plethora of good things

In the arrogance of success, had put on the manner of the master

Live coals are more readily held in men's mouths than a secret

Putting as good a face upon the matter as I could

Rumor but grows in the telling and strives to embellish

Something in the way of hope at which to nibble

Stained by the lifeblood of the God of Wine

To follow all paths; but a road can discover by none

Whatever you talk of at home will fly forth in an instant